Shepherding the Flock After Abortion
by Fr. Frank Pavone
Priests for Life
Pontifical Council for the Family
Abortion has many victims beyond the child who is destroyed.
Were all the abortions to stop tomorrow, the Church's work
of healing these other victims will have only begun. Within
the last ten years, in fact, there has been a proliferation
of special groups and programs dedicated to post-abortion
healing, and within the last two years, a notable increase
in the numbers of people coming forth to seek such healing.
Post-abortion counseling programs exist in Catholic, Protestant,
and purely secular formats; research continues to be done
by experts in psychology, medicine, and sociology; testimonies
of post-abortion women continue to be gathered by pro-life
organizations; post-abortion women continue to organize themselves
in special groups; the number of men coming forward to tell
of their grief at the abortion of their children is growing;
ABC's 20/20 recently did a segment on the post-abortion healing
movement called Project Rachel; a National
Memorial for the Unborn continues to grow in which mothers
have plaques placed on walls in honor of their aborted children;
over 1200 memorial stones have been set up on Church and cemetery
property around the nation; and Mass settings as well as an
entire Requiem have been written to express the wounds abortion
brings.
The priest needs to be able to respond to the needs of the
post-abortion movement. As a help, I have briefly highlighted
some characteristics of post-abortion grief, limiting myself
in this article to the mothers, and offer some guidance regarding
our pastoral response.
How Post-Abortion Grief Works: A Summary
Post-abortion grief, in its varying degrees, essentially
arises because of the failed attempt of the mother to distance
herself from her own child.
In the process of obtaining an abortion, the mother, under
degrees of pressure that will vary greatly, establishes some
kind of gap or distance between herself and her child. In
some cases it is an outright denial that the child is human;
in other cases, it is a denial of responsibility for the child.
Sometimes this distancing takes on a spiritual expression
as the mother says, "I am giving the child back to God." The
abortion of one's child requires a warping of reality in one
way or another.
Then the abortion happens, and sooner or later reality starts
to reassert itself. That is what causes both the pain and
the healing. The mother must break out of denial and face
the fullness of reality that her child died, that she played
a role in that death, but that she herself still has value
and her life can still go on.
The precise manner in which this process plays itself out
in each case will differ. Certain factors in place at the
time of the abortion , for example, will cause the likelihood
of more intense post-abortion grief: later stage of pregnancy,
greater ambivalence about the abortion, greater pressure from
others, etc. Some women, furthermore, will begin crying over
"my baby who was killed" while they are still in the abortion
facility. Others will have a sense of great relief. Studies
of women after abortion, however, show that seven to ten years
down the road, what was initial relief changes into post-abortion
suffering.
Often, an event such as the birth of a subsequent child,
or the child of a close relative or friend, or simply exposure
to the facts of fetal development, brings about the initial
realization of the horror of what has happened.
In one way or another, it becomes clearer to the mother that
"my child died," and that realization naturally causes grief.
What complicates that grief in the case of abortion, however,
is that many respectable elements of society are telling the
same woman that there is no reason for the grief. The message
coming from society often is, Abortion is your right; it
is no big deal; it is a choice provided for you to solve your
problems. Meanwhile, the message she receives from her
own heart and psyche is I have lost my child; I have experienced
a death in the family. This conflict causes what has been
called "impacted grief." The mother is made to feel silly
for feeling sad. Her grief is not acknowledged as valid, and
therefore does not find adequate expression and relief. Part
of what the Church does in the post-abortion ministry is precisely
to give that grief a valid expression.
Some elements of post-abortion grief
The suffering of a post-abortion woman takes place on the
levels of identity, emotions, and meaning.
Realizing more and more what has happened, her identity comes
into question. Who am I? Am I no longer the caring and
loving person I thought I was? If I am, how did I do what
I did? The awareness that she has participated in the
killing of her own child can cause a tremendous fear of harming
subsequent children, resulting in an overcompensation whereby
she will become overprotective and overanxious.
In the area of emotions, she asks, Why do I hurt so much?
Why does what was supposed to be a solution now cause a trauma
of its own?
Questions of meaning also arise, like Who is God? What
does He think of me now? What happened to my baby?
Studies of those experiencing post-abortion suffering have
noted the similarities of such suffering with the characteristics
of "post-traumatic stress disorder," a set of symptoms following
a psychologically distressing event which is outside the range
of usual human experience. These symptoms include 1) re-experience
of the trauma. Recollections of the abortion can intrude upon
the person either in sleep or while awake; one may have the
feeling it is happening again, or be greatly distressed at
reminders of the event, including anniversaries. 2) Avoidance
and numbing. This set of symptoms cause a person to draw back
from things which are associated with the trauma. In the case
of abortion, this means that one may find it difficult to
draw close to others emotionally, or to bond to subsequent
children. 3) Increased arousal, such as lack of sleep, increased
irritability, or difficulty concentrating.
Opening the road to healing
What do we do as priests to open the road to healing?
We first of all need to let people know that forgiveness
and healing are available after abortion. Many regard abortion
as an "unforgivable sin." Our preaching and teaching need
to echo and re-echo the message that the doors of the Church
are open to anyone who has been involved in abortion, whether
once or many times, and that to oppose abortion does not mean
to oppose those who have them. Rather, it means to embrace
them in love and bring them new hope.
Some priests feel that the presence of women in the congregation
who have had abortions is a reason to be silent about it.
Just the opposite is true, however, because as we have seen,
the first step to healing is to break out of denial. Silence
motivated by the best of intentions still does not interpret
itself, and the woman suffering from abortion may think we
are silent because we do not know her pain, do not care, or
have no hope to offer. In truth, however, we speak because
we do know, do care, and do offer hope.
Our message holds exactly the right balance for the post-abortion
woman. She needs to hear that abortion is evil. She is likely
quite angry with those who told her the abortion would be
"no big deal." At the same time, she needs to be rescued from
despair.
In extending the offer of forgiveness, we need to keep in
mind that many who have had abortions will not want to approach
priests in their own parish. Parishes should therefore make
known opportunities for reconciliation in other parts of the
diocese.
The moment of confession
When a penitent confess this sin, the priest must walk a
balance between two possible traps.
First of all, he must inspire her with hope and make it clear
that God and the Church now forgive this sin. Following the
norms in effect in his diocese, the priest at this moment
brings one of the most critical elements to the process of
post-abortion healing. He affirms for this woman that God
still loves her and accepts her, without in any way minimizing
the evil that has occurred.
At the same time, it is important not to make the woman feel
that everything can or should go back to the way it was before.
It can't, anymore than it can for a woman who has lost a child
of age 5 or 20. Her child has died, and she is changed forever.
There will always be a pain and a grief there that is very
legitimate. Our counsel at this moment is to both assure her
of forgiveness and to assure her that it is quite normal to
continue to suffer from the abortion. Feelings of horror regarding
what has happened do not mean she is not forgiven. But they
do mean that there is a wound that needs attention and healing.
Those confessing abortion will be at various stages of awareness
of this fact. It is a good idea to gently encourage that the
person continue to talk to someone about the abortion. Trained
Project Rachel counselors, both clergy and lay, are available
through the National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation
and Healing, which has a toll free number, 1-800-5-WE-CARE.
Cards with this number might be made available in the back
of the parish, or the number can be permanently on the Church
bulletin.
Regarding a penance for abortion, it has to both be substantial
and have a definite closure. Some priests, for example, ask
the penitent to offer a week of special prayers, perhaps the
Rosary or special periods of adoration, Scripture reading,
or other forms of prayer. In such cases the penitent should
be reminded that if she forgets the practice on a given day,
this does not affect the forgiveness of her sin. Other priests
advise that the penitent have masses offered for the child,
by going to "a parish" (carefully not indicating that it should
be the parish in which she is confessing) and requesting masses
for a "special intention."
Many post-abortion women may feel inclined to become active
in the pro-life movement, especially to help others avoid
the mistake that they made. Such a step can be extremely helpful
for the woman and for the movement. The individual deserves
careful guidance in this area, to assess what form of pro-life
work she should engage in. Before speaking about her abortion,
she needs to have arrived at a certain level of peace and
healing, and needs to be sure that she has told the people
close to her about it before she speaks publicly.
Helpful practices
In giving further counsel to women who have aborted their
children, it is helpful to recall that this woman needs to
re-establish the bond with the aborted child, to re-humanize
the one who, through a process of distancing and denial, was
de-humanized.
One of the most powerful ways to do so is to have her name
the child. Many mothers have a sense of whether their aborted
child was male or female. Another healthy practice is that
of writing a letter to the child, asking forgiveness, expressing
grief and love, and looking forward to eventual reunion in
the life to come.
Local memorial stones to the unborn provide a validation
to the grief of post-abortion women. Such stones can be given
a special place on Church property. Individuals may also commemorate
their aborted children by having a plaque in their honor placed
in the National Memorial for the Unborn (6230 Vance Rd, Chattanooga,
Tennessee 37421, phone 800-505-5565). Fliers are available
from the Memorial's office.
It is also important for priests to know that women injured
by abortion can sue to recover physical or emotional damages.
A growing number of attorneys throughout the country have
been trained in abortion malpractice litigation. For more
information on this avenue, call Life Dynamics Incorporated,
1-800-401-6494.
What happened to my baby?
This question will also be part of the post-abortion healing
process, and we answer it by strengthening the person's hope
and trust in the goodness and mercy of God. The goal here
is more the strengthening of one's trust and confidence than
the crafting of precise conceptual answers. Doctrinally, we
know the necessity of baptism, and we also know that God gives
all the opportunity to be saved. While the Church has not
pronounced on the question of how these truths interact in
the case of aborted children, she certainly urges us to hope
and trust. This is especially true in the words of Pope John
Paul II in Evangelium Vitae 99, where he directly addresses
those who have had an abortion:
"I would now like to say a special word to women who have
had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which
may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt
that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision.
The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly
what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give
in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand
what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already
done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance.
The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness
and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You will
come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you
will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who
is now living in the Lord. With the friendly and expert help
and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful
experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of
everyone's right to life. Through your commitment to life,
whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming
and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to
them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at
human life."
I Will Hold You in Heaven
In the National Memorial for the Unborn is a painting of
a mother with her child in her arms. It is called I
Will Hold You in Heaven, and expresses the hope we
offer to every post-abortion mother, father, and other relative.
It is necessary to face the reality that the child died. In
coming to terms with that reality, we also embrace the fuller
reality that death has been conquered. The one who should
have been held on earth, and whose absence now causes such
pain, will indeed be held one day, when death shall be no
more and every tear will be wiped away. May every priest,
as a minister of the Gospel of Life, effectively extend this
hope to the world.
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