Pastoral Advice When Dealing with Young Siblings of Aborted
Children
by Fr. Frank Pavone
Pontifical Council for the Family
International Director, Priests for Life
"A woman reported telling her nine year old son about her
abortion, which had taken place years before he was born.
He said, 'I knew, Mom, that there was something wrong.
I always have nightmares about knives and my mother killing
me. I have an imaginary brother who wants to kill me. If you
had not aborted the other, would you have aborted me?'" (Abortion
Survivors, p.36).
This is a story repeated more times than most people realize,
and representing a societal and pastoral problem whose proportions
are greater today than at any previous time in history: the
phenomenon of tens of millions of abortion survivors.
It is clear that abortion's primary victim is the child who
is killed. It has also become increasingly clear that to kill
the child is to harm the mother and father as well. What is
not always so well known, however, is that abortion makes
its impact felt on those who have had a sibling aborted, and
that this impact is felt in surprising and astonishing ways,
which also have wider implications for the whole of society.
I have come to learn about this mostly through my personal
association with Dr. Philip G. Ney, MD, FRCP(C), RPsych. Dr.
Ney, a child psychiatrist, has done extensive research in
the area of child abuse and pregnancy loss, and his research
has shed much light on the impact of abortion on our society.
For the purposes of this article, I have drawn heavily on
two of his works, Abortion Survivors (1998) and How
to Talk with your Children About your Abortion: A Practical
Guide for Parents (1998). (See conclusion for more information
about how to obtain these.)
Ten types of abortion survivors
Those who find out that a sibling has been aborted are actually
among ten types of "abortion survivors," a category that reaches
beyond those upon whom an abortion attempt was actually made.
The types are as follows:
- Statistical survivors. These are people who survived
in countries or cities where there is a statistically high
probability that they would have been aborted. They come
to know that the odds were definitely stacked against them.
In some parts of Eastern Europe, the chances of being aborted
are as high as 80%.
- Wanted survivors. These are people whose parents
carefully deliberated about whether or not to abort them.
They may have calculated, consulted, and discussed the possibility.
Interestingly, there is growing evidence that unborn children
are affected by the hormonal changes that result from major
conflicts in the mind of the mother. (One case study of
a person who tried to commit suicide on the same day every
year revealed that that was the day his mother had an appointment
to abort him.)
- Sibling survivors. These are people born into families
where one or more of their siblings were aborted.
- Threatened survivors. These are children whose
parents have used abortion as a threat, even if they never
considered it during the pregnancy: "You wretched, ungrateful
child...I should have aborted you!"
- Disabled survivors. These are people who, because
of developmental defects or other circumstances, would usually
be aborted. In fact, they often wonder whether their parents
would have aborted them had they known about the defects.
- Chance survivors. These are children who would
have been aborted if the mother had been able to obtain
the abortion. The abortion was prevented by a lack of money,
time, permission, availability, etc.
- Ambivalent survivors. These are children of parents
who could not make up their minds about the abortion and
delayed until it was too late. They are often caught up
in their parents' continuing ambivalence, and can wonder
whether they can still be terminated.
- Twin survivors. These are people whose twin was
aborted. Twins communicate, touch, and even caress each
other in the womb. The loss of the twin by abortion is deeply
felt and often causes the survivor to be suicidal.
- Attempted Murder survivors. These are people who
survived an actual abortion attempt. Besides the physical
harm that is often done, they suffer intense psychological
struggles, nightmares, confused identities, and a fear of
doctors.
- Murdered survivors. These are children who survived
an abortion for just a short period of time, and were subsequently
killed by the abortion staff or left to die.
Sibling Survivors
Regarding sibling survivors, the first question that likely
comes to mind is, How do they know in the first place that
a sibling was aborted? As the quote at the beginning of
the article reveals, they often know by a strong and mysterious
intuition, or the sensation of the presence of a "missing"
or imaginary person. Case histories and research evidence
indicate that if a mother has had an abortion, this fact
will be communicated in one way or another to the surviving
siblings. Dr. Ney simply states, "You cannot not communicate"
(How to Talk...p.3).
Many dynamics are at work here. Abortion is often discussed
in our society, so children easily wonder whether there was
one in their own family. Their curiosity may lead them to
indirectly probe the matter with their parents, or they may
overhear conversations about it. Objectively, moreover, the
abortion does cause various symptoms of distress within the
family, and this can lead children to conclude that the unspoken
cause of the distress is an abortion. Parents may at times
blurt it out to the child in a moment of anger.
Yes, Survivors should be told.
Dr. Ney is clear that women who have had abortions should
tell their surviving children about it. The reasons, simply
summed up, are that the price of not honestly communicating
about it is higher than that of revealing it. The truth
will set you free is true not only on a spiritual level,
but also on the level of natural psychology. The destructive
dynamics of a past abortion will be felt in the family, unavoidably.
It is better that children come to know the reasons for these
dynamics, rather than have to live with pseudo-secrets and
with a fantasy which may be far more horrifying than the reality.
Good advice regarding the timing and manner of telling children
about an abortion, and how to deal with the possible responses,
is found in Dr. Ney's book, How to Talk with your Children
About your Abortion: A Practical Guide for Parents (1998).
The wounds of sibling survivors
To know how to help the sibling survivor, one must understand
some of the psychological dynamics at work. Dr. Ney points
out that the research reveals several patterns.
- Survivor Guilt. "Why am I alive, and not my
brother or sister? I feel guilty. I don't deserve to be
alive. I can't enjoy life when I know that my parents might
have killed me. They arranged for the death of my brothers
or sisters, who were probably better than me."
- Existential Anxiety. "I want to live but I fear
I am doomed. Something awful is going to happen to me...I
don't know how or when." This suffering springs from
the awareness that one is alive because one was "wanted."
What, then, if I am no longer wanted? Can I still be killed?
This fear can lead to an exaggerated effort to stay wanted,
and such an effort can make one weary and, at a certain
point, completely rebellious in an effort to reject the
need to constantly strive to be wanted. This can account
for the mindless vandalism of many adolescents.
- Anxious Attachment. "I'm not sure how my parents
feel about me, so I have to stay close to them, but the
closer I get the worse I feel." From the parent's perspective
as well, abortion interferes with their ability to bond
with subsequent children or to respond tenderly to their
helpless cry.
- Pseudo-Secret Collusion. "I desperately need
to know what happened to my unborn brother or sister, but
am afraid to ask...it may be too terrible to know...and
asking may ruin my relationship with my parents..."
- Distrust. "I can't believe that my parents,
who would kill one of their children, can really love me."
- Self-doubt. Having destroyed a child by abortion,
parents develop deep fears of how they or others might hurt
subsequent children. They can therefore become over-protective.
Constantly warning children to be careful can then decrease
the child's confidence. Decision-making can become extremely
difficult.
- Ontological Guilt. "I know I am talented and
have lots of opportunities. I could have a good future,
but I can't seem to get my act into gear." Survivors
feel a deep uncertainty about the future, or their own prospects
of survival, and so may find it hard to make good plans.
They keep quitting and starting again, and may rationalize
their failures.
- Dislike of Children. Because they are unsure
of their own existence and identity, survivors feel threatened
by children, and may either avoid having them, or put them
in day-care at a very early age.
How Do We Respond Pastorally?
Abortion survivors are all around us, and responding to them
pastorally will be an ever greater aspect of our ministry
in the months and years ahead.
As one can deduce from the information provided above, the
communication and healing regarding the abortion of a sibling
is a family matter, and needs to be facilitated within the
family. Helping parents to identify the way abortion harms
their family relations, and counseling them regarding how
to talk to their children, is one aspect of our role.
Prevention, of course, is essential, and the road to alleviating
the problem of so many who suffer the effects of being abortion
survivors is to have fewer abortions. Increasing the value
and necessity of children is a key theme for the parish to
stress on the road to this goal. The involvement of families
in which there are abortion survivors in projects aimed at
prevention of the problems that they experienced is, according
to Dr. Ney, ideal.
Dr. Ney points out that group psychotherapy is effective
in assisting the survivor of abortion. Family therapy should
follow. In the absence of intensive psychotherapy, which is
the ideal, counseling is very valuable, especially when directed
at the existential guilt.
In this regard, it is necessary to point out the distinction
between being wanted and being welcomed.
Being wanted is not necessarily a consolation. It gives the
wrong message, namely, that my life or death depends on
the fact that someone wants or doesn't want me...I have no
intrinsic right to be.
Welcome, on the other hand, is the response to one who has
an intrinsic value, a value that is recognized and acknowledged
to be independent of the circumstances in which one comes
to be. When one is welcomed, he/she is not subject
to the plans, desires, or expectations of others. He/she is
not tied to or evaluated by the criteria of someone else's
agenda. Rather, he/she is acknowledged as good simply because
he/she is and has a right to be.
The Church clearly has a key role in this regard, and Dr.
Ney emphasizes the key role of spiritual renewal and the Church
community in assisting the abortion survivor. Our clear and
consistent teaching on the intrinsic value of every
human life speaks directly to the needs of the abortion survivor.
In the words of Evangelium Vitae, "Life is always a good...Why
is life a good?...The life which God gives man...is a manifestation
of God in the world, a sign of his presence, a trace of his
glory....Man has been given a sublime dignity based on the
intimate bond which unites him to his Creator: In man there
shines forth a reflection of God himself" (EV #34).
In the words of Dr. Ney, "Abortion survivors must be able
to see that parental love is real. When they see it in people,
they then can understand that God, as our Father, can be loving
toward them. They need to understand that they are welcome
in God's family, and that when they have God's Spirit within
them He gives purpose, joy and meaning to their lives. Salvation
through Jesus Christ is both the cause and effect in the healing
process."
The message given to the abortion survivor by the horror
of abortion, as contrasted by that given by the Gospel of
Life, was dramatically brought home to me when, during the
same week, I came across two poems, written at different times
by different people.
The first was actually used at a meeting of abortion providers
as a prayer. It is addressed to the unwanted child. The second
was written by a pro-life activist, as a message to a welcomed
child. They read as the precise reverse of each other, almost
as though each was written with the other in view. Let them
strengthen us in our mission of rescuing the potential victims
and healing the survivors.
Prayer Used at National Abortion Federation
"Greetings, little one. Little sister, little brother,
Great wise ancestor.
You want to come to our house,
Maybe you think we would make good parents for you---
Well, the food is short now----
The winter was too long, and the summer too hot.
We have too many mouths to feed.
My husband works too hard already.
We cannot open our home to you now.
Try again later, little one, or find a better place.
Go in peace now, go in peace."
Come Forth
Copyright: December, 1979
By: RoseMarie
Come, pass this way, unseen one
Come, walk through the shadows of life
I invite you, want you, need you
Do not drop back into the unknown void.
Come forward into the bright
Sunshine, feel the softness of the snow,
See the vivid brightness of the stars.
Run over the warm hot sands
Of time, with pink chubby toes,
Reach out cherub arms, innocent
Hands to catch butterflies, fish,
Worms, puppies, whatever pleases your heart.
Grow in happiness, love, agony, despair
Let life be kind or cruel, it matters not.
Just come forth, there is love,
Delight waiting, watching, wanting
You. Come forth dear little heart.
Come forth.
For further information on the work of Dr. Ney, and to obtain
his publications, contact The International Institute for
Pregnancy Loss and Child Abuse Research and Recovery (IIPLCARR),
PO Box 27103, Goldstream Ave, Victoria, British Columbia,
Canada V9B 5S4, Phone (250) 391-1840, Fax (250) 391-1841,
Email: iiplcarr@islandnet.com
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